First Things: Faith-Transition Grief for Ex-Mormons

Leaving the Church, mentally or physically, involves a grieving process.

This post will talk about grief through the lens of the ex-Mormon experience. We’ll talk about the five “stages” of grief, which are five emotional reactions you may have (in any order) as you move through your grief and into a new, fulfilling life.

I’m not a therapist or any sort of qualified person, so this information is intended for educational purposes, to be taken with salt and critical thinking. Remember that blog posts are not substitutes for counseling or medical care.

What Grief Does and Doesn’t Mean

Grieving does not mean that you wish you believed again (though it might).

Grieving does not mean that you’re doing the wrong thing. (If you feel newly empowered to pillage, rape, or murder, then maybe try to make Mormonism work for you, but otherwise, you’ll probably be fine.)

Grieving does not mean you would be happier in the Church. (I can’t tell you how you’re going to feel, but most people I’ve talked to are at least as happy after a transition phase.)

Grieving does not mean you will never feel better. (I imagine you will.)

Grief during a faith transition just means you feel loss. And that makes sense. The Church is likely an institution you’ve been devoted to and that was central to your identity, relationships, and worldview.

Now all that is changing.

I hope that with time, you come to view the death of your existing faith as a spiritual rebirth. But, whatever you call it, the transition is hard. But things can get easier. One way to ease the transition is to know the basics about grief and the emotions that go with it.

Denial

Denial is your brain protecting you from realities that would be uncomfortable (or worse) for you to process. It’s hard to stop yourself from being in denial because it’s an unconscious process.

Denial gets dangerous when it keeps you from acknowledging what is hurting you or others. For example, people often respond with denial when something terrible happens. Things that you (or members of your family) may have been in denial about include not being straight, the Church being “true,” or being abused.

If you’ve been the person whose reality wasn’t accepted, then you know how painful denial can be. Your family may not accept that you’re leaving the Church forever, that you’re gay, or that you were abused.

It’s rough.

To some extent, we all subject each other to denial because we all force each other to confront uncomfortable realities. You’ve probably also hurt other people because of your denial. When you realize you’ve hurt others, especially if the person is your child or if you’ve messed up in a big way, the shame can be paralyzing.

So first, be gentle with yourself. Denial is your brain trying to protect you. And you can be accountable, apologize, and seek reconciliation when appropriate. You can also not reconcile with people or institutions that have hurt you when appropriate.

Still, we want to minimize the instances in which we stay in denial and hurt ourselves and others. How do we do this? Here are the highlights.

We need to get better at managing uncomfortable feelings, especially helplessness, guilt, sadness, and shame. We need to be able to sit with these negative emotions instead of stuffing them down or away where we don’t have to feel overwhelmed by them.

We need to get better at talking to others about their and our feelings and being empathetic. We need to prioritize the well-being of others.

And we need to learn to be accountable and make restitution for our actions without drowning in shame. This means working through the perfectionism that tells us that our mistakes make us worthless. It’s not true, and those attitudes incentivize our brains to keep us in denial rather than accountable for our actions.

It’s hard to learn to do all this, but over time, you can. (Professional counseling can be very helpful.)

Anger

The Book of Mormon says that contention is of the devil (3 Nephi 11:29), and you’ve probably heard a lot of General Authority quotes against anger (this talk is a good example). If you’re a woman or AFAB (assigned female at birth) person, you’ve also faced intense cultural pressure to never be angry. This can make it very hard for ex-Mormons to even feel their anger, let alone process it in a healthy way.

For now, know that anger is a primary emotion (meaning a basic and essential one) that tells you when (your brain believes) someone is hurting you. Like pain can indicate that you need medical attention, anger can indicate that you need self-care and improved boundaries or to get out of a harmful situation.

Anger can also be a secondary emotion and can function as a way to cover up feeling emotions like fear and helplessness. This is especially relevant for men and AMAB (assigned male at birth) people, who have been socialized to feel shame in the face of fear and helplessness. Anger can be a way to avoid those less-acceptable emotions.

You probably have a ton of anger about the Church, and you’ll need to express it appropriately and let it burn out. This is where a lot of ex-Mormons make anonymous social media accounts so that they can rant about the Church with others who have left without offending their families. (Note that arguing with believing Mormons is unlikely to change their minds or to do anything productive.)

Whatever way you express anger, remember that you need to do so without hurting others or yourself and without destroying property that isn’t yours. Don’t assault people—verbally, physically, or sexually.

If you have trouble managing your anger, seek help from a counselor or call a helpline. (Even if you don’t have a mental illness, overwhelming rage is an issue a counselor or a mental illness helpline can help you with.)

Also be careful around children. Modeling healthy anger management, especially if your children are older and also have rage to vent, can be a great thing. But remember that kids, especially young children, will be prone to thinking your rage is their fault, so be cautious and mindful in venting in front of them.

Bargaining

This may look like continuing to go to church when you’re mentally out (often called PIMO, or “physically in, mentally out”), trying to figure out ways to put your faith back together, or beating yourself up for not figuring out the truth sooner.

Many people go through a “progmo” phase before leaving the Church entirely, and depending on your point of view, that could be a form of denial and bargaining. But to others, a nuanced take is simply a more mature faith. The difference between “denial and bargaining” and “exploring faith” is sometimes just point of view. A PIMO phase can also be part of a literal bargain between spouses as they try to figure out their relationship going forward.

To the extent that bargaining is a conscious process, you’ll have to decide what arrangements will work best for you.

In any case, as with denial, be gentle with yourself, making restitution as appropriate. For example, a lot of people feel bad about not supporting marriage equality and LGBTQ+ rights sooner, especially when they’ve paid a lot of tithing or opposed people’s having legal and civil rights.

In this case, apologizing to any LGBTQ+ people you’re close to (as appropriate) and making donations to charities like the Trevor Project can help you to make restitution.

Also, remember that transition periods, rather than a sudden break, can ease stress on your brain and your relationships. That’s why your brain does denial and bargaining. It’s not all bad.

We just need to be more conscious of ways in which the bargains we make may hurt others or keep us from moving forward. Do your best, be gentle with yourself, and be accountable when you mess up.

Depression

The Book of Mormon teaches that sadness is necessary to our feeling happiness (2 Nephi 2:23), but unless you grew up after the Church started adding more caveats about depression in the “choose to be happy” talks or have worked on your mental health, you probably feel like you should be happy most of the time. You may view sadness as a sign of wickedness rather than as a normal part of life and a primary emotion.

After all, people reason, if righteousness leads to happiness, then it follows that sadness is due to error on your part. (No, it’s not. You’re just human.)

Many religions have this problem. Religion appeals to people in part because it helps people cope with the tragedies of life, and many religions claim that one can find general happiness through (their) spirituality and positivity.

The LDS Church and many others have increasingly recognized that depression is a medical condition that can’t be solved through righteousness, but the negative messages are still out there.

So remember: sadness isn’t a moral failing. Persistent or overwhelming sadness can also be clinical depression, which can be triggered by a major upheaval. If you have more than a couple weeks of depression, talk to a counselor and/or doctor. Even if you don’t have clinical depression, a professional can help you with persistent sadness from grief.

If you want to hurt yourself or another person or animal, then talk to a counselor or doctor as soon as possible. You can also contact a helpline, such as a suicide hotline or mental illness helpline.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often thought of as the “final” phase, but remember that acceptance can come in pieces. And it doesn’t mean that you’ll never experience the other phases or the relevant emotions again.

Still, after some time, you’ll probably reach a point where you don’t feel the need to engage with (ex)Mormon content so much. You’ll likely feel more comfortable with your Mormon family again (assuming you’re still in contact), and you’ll have more hope for the future.

While some things about the Church will probably still make you angry, you will likely be more able to acknowledge and appreciate good things about your life in Mormonism. (If that sounds infuriating and overwhelming, then just ignore that bit, at least for now.)

How long will this process take? It varies by person. Moving through grief is not a linear process. For me, the emotional upheaval associated with my faith transition lasted about a year, with the first few weeks being very difficult and things getting better from there.

On the bright side, for most people, grief with faith transitions does not last in the same way that having a loved one die does. While you wouldn’t be happy about a loved one’s death ever, happiness about leaving the LDS Church is common. It just takes a minute.

For more information about grief, including signs and symptoms that may help you identify whether someone else (such as your child) needs to help dealing with grief, see these Therapy in a Nutshell videos.

To learn about others’ experiences with grief, you may want to see this Reddit thread. So that we have more perspectives, share in the comments how long the transition has taken for you, along with any strategies you have for coping with the upheaval of a faith transition!