First Things: Confronting Fear

After you stop believing or decide to stop affiliating with the Church, you will probably feel fear. Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing your family for eternity. Fear that you are actually just being deceived or even controlled by Satan. Fear that you won’t ever be happy again.

And if you no longer believe in God at all (and have possibly deconstructed your world view down to nihilism), then you may be going through an existential crisis and one or more of its attendant fears:

• Fear of death
• Fear of meaninglessness
• Fear of isolation
• Fear of freedom

Fortunately, I have good news for you: these feelings are normal, and they pass. The timeline is different for everyone, but you aren’t doomed to misery. Here’s an overview of what fear is, when it’s useful, and how you might start to confront and manage Church-derived and existential fears.

(Here is my standard disclaimer that I am not a counselor or therapist. These posts are a jumping-off point to help you know what to work on, preferably with the guidance of a professional, not a replacement for therapy or other medical care.)

When Is Fear Useful?

Fear is one of the many emotions that a good Mormon just isn’t supposed to feel very often. Where do we learn this? The scriptures and modern Church leaders! Here are some examples:

• “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear” (Doctrine and Covenants 38:30).
• “Perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18).
• “Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time” (Neil Andersen, “You Know Enough,” October 2008).

Some of these things are somewhat true. Preparation, love, and belief in or love of something or someone can outweigh our fear. That’s why religion has been so useful in helping people manage our natural fear of death.

But fear can co-exist with all those supposed remedies. Fear, like anger and every other “negative” emotion, is not a character flaw. It’s a necessary response that serves a purpose.

Fear tells us that we’re in danger. It tells us that we need to get out of a situation or otherwise protect ourselves. So suppressing or denying fear in the long term can be unhelpful and even dangerous.

Are our brains sometimes overactive with the fear response? Sure. Do we sometimes need to push past our fear or get out of our comfort zone in order to live our lives? Yes. If you can’t live a normal life or do everyday tasks because of feelings of fear or anxiety, consider working with a doctor or counselor. A professional can help you to balance the chemicals in your brain and/or regulate your emotions more effectively.

Feeling fear does not mean you’re weak or a coward. It just means you’re human.

How Do You Get Manage Church-Based Fears?

Even after you stop believing, you may periodically experience fear. Some common fears include:

• Being wrong about the Church being false
• Losing your family
• Hell/punishment
• Satan
• Not being happy

Like all feelings, fear is not a fact. It is an emotion, and emotions change. Time itself does a lot to help these fears fade. However, you can help them along by examining the thing you’re afraid of and finding the flaws in the stories you were told. Then, if you like, you can make fun of those things to help take away their power over you.

For example, let’s consider Satan. I never understood Satan; he seemed ridiculous and unrealistic. But then, I also never understood the evil that would produce crimes against humanity, and those exist.

In reality, Satan just makes no sense as a character.

The guy started a war against an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving God. And now, despite having been cast out, the guy is still fighting, trying to corrupt as many people as possible instead of just chilling and living his life because . . . he’s mad? Because misery loves company? And six-thousand-plus years and Jesus rising from the dead hasn’t made him realize that he’s fighting a pointless battle?

Also, if God is perfect, how did he make an evil child, or a child with such a capacity for evil? What in a perfect heaven would induce someone to choose to sabotage the happiness found there?

And why can’t he just stand still when you ask him to shake your hand (Doctrine and Covenants 129)? Is there a rule that prohibits him from doing so? If so, then why doesn’t God ban Satan from tempting people to do particularly horrendous acts like genocide? Surely God didn’t need Hitler and his ilk to kill millions of people only so He could justifiably punish them (Alma 14:11)?

Satan is an answer to the problem of evil, meant to embody and explain something scary that humans didn’t understand. And, I’d argue, he is not an adequate answer to the problem of evil.

Anyway, you get the idea. Take apart your fear. Figure out how it’s irrational. Mock it if you like, in private or with ex-Mormon or atheist people going through the same thing. Humor can take power away from oppressive ideas.

I’ve also found it helpful to look up old conference talks, lessons I was taught from manuals, and notes I took in spiritual journals. Often, I find that I’ve forgotten that I was taught some unhinged things that at the time I took to heart. Finding the source of the fear helps me root it out.

How Do You Manage Existential Fears?

Managing existential fears is something humans have been doing since we became self-aware, so rest assured: you can do it. Like any other fear, existential fears can be eased over time, and you can help the process along. We don’t have time in this post to go into detail about each existential fear, but here are some general tips.

Reflect on the fear and consume stories that address it

Grappling with the fear can help you assess it. In a horror movie, once you see the monster, the suspense about it is gone.

For example, consider death: do you actually want to live forever? Wouldn’t that be boring? What are the truly bad things about death, and what are the good things? How do other cultures frame death?

A lot of literature and films address topics like death, loneliness/isolation, meaningless, and freedom. Consuming media that addresses themes you’re concerned about can help and make you feel part of humanity rather than alone.

For example, The Good Place is a sit-com that grapples with death. By the end of the show, I was open to the idea that I’d eventually want to stop existing as an individual. I was more at peace with the idea of death.

Note: probably don’t do this with “death” if you have suicidal ideation. Work with a qualified therapist and a doctor, or at least talk to a trusted friend about your feelings. Stay here.

Discuss your concerns with someone else

Talking about your feelings and concerns and relieve stress and help you feel more connected. This person can be any friend or a professional counselor. You may want to talk to someone who is not LDS or has gone through an existential crisis so that you don’t have to worry about offending them or hearing about their religious beliefs.

For find people you can discuss these issues with, consider an atheist group, if there’s one in your area. People there are likely to relate to the struggle of facing nihilism.

Connect with others and explore rational spirituality

Connecting with others can include talking about your concerns, but it can also just involve having friends and community. Connections within and outside ourselves is one definition of spirituality, which can exist without any god, religion, or supernatural beliefs. Spirituality supports mental health, and interacting with others can anchor you and help you find and create meaning.

Being in nature or doing whatever form of contemplation appeals to you are also simple things you can do on your own.

Finally, you may want to check out the work of Dr. Britt Hartley, who focuses on No-Nonsense Spirituality, including recovery from nihilism.

What have you found helpful for managing fear so far? Did you have fears about the Church or the truthfulness of it after leaving? How long did those fears stay with you?