Hi! My name is McKenna, and I consider myself culturally Mormon, ex-Mormon, and/or post-Mormon. That is to say, I am no longer a believer, but I have been brought into existence and continue to be shaped by Mormonism, and I continue to be interested in it. Other labels that fit me are “agnostic” and “atheist,” though I don’t identify with those as much because as they describe the absence of something more than a facet of my identity. I am exploring Unitarian Universalism, and I still deeply value family, community, justice, and spirituality.

About Me

I was a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for about 30 years (if we’re counting from my birth).

I was determined to endure to the end. When my belief stopped making sense with my reality when I was 19, I lived on faith and reinterpreted the gospel in more nuanced and less binary ways in order to maintain my testimony. I believed that faith was by choice, not by chance.

I was both shocked and devastated when despite my best efforts, I realized I no longer believed the apostles were being led by Jesus. And no amount of reading scriptures or praying brought my belief back. For me, losing my belief in the Church, Christianity, and ultimately in God did not feel like a choice.

My whole worldview was gone, and I didn’t know what I believed or what I was going to do. I had a newborn to care for, and I spent hours listening to podcasts while breastfeeding, just trying to make sense of things and get my head on straight.

I didn’t want to listen to 500 podcast episodes that each spent 2 hours delving into one narrow topic. I wanted an overview that would help me function. Once I’d stabilized, then maybe I’d be ready to explore the depths of spirituality, Church history, and my own psyche from a place of interest rather than desperation.

Brigham Young said:

“I will now say, not only to our delegate to Congress, but to the Elders who leave the body of the Church, that he thought that all the cats and kittens were let out of the bag when brother Pratt went back last fall, and published the Revelation concerning the plurality of wives: it was thought there was no other cat to let out. But allow me to tell you, Elders of Israel, and delegates to Congress, you may expect an eternity of cats, that have not yet escaped from the bag. Bless your souls, there is no end to them, for if there is not one thing, there will always be another.”

Journal of Discourses, Volume 1, Discourse 29

I virulently disagree with Brother Brigham about most things. (When I was a teenager, he was one of the founding members of my “Apostles I Shouldn’t Talk to in the Afterlife Because I’ll Probably Try to Punch Them” list.) But learning about Mormonism after losing my belief did indeed feel like discovering a bottomless bag full of cats that needed to be liberated.

Here I was, a graduate of seminary and BYU who had read my scriptures and said my prayers nearly every day of my life, had attended church every week except when I was contagiously ill, had attended the temple once a week or more when I’d lived close to one, had done research into Church history in my spare time—and I was devastatingly ignorant about my own religion. There was always another shocking thing to learn. An eternity of cats to let out of the bag.

Fortunately, things did get better for me. For first few weeks were the hardest, and things have gotten better and better from there. I feel good now. I am still learning about Mormonism and myself and developing my spiritual life, and I expect I always will be. Life is an adventure of continual reinvention and increased understanding. But now, this process is one part of my life rather than something I need to work through in order to live happily.

About Eternity of Cats

While a faith transition is not a quick or easy process, and no one can do the hard emotional work for you, I want to help others get to a place of stability and happiness more smoothly. My goal is to curate a collection of resources, especially concise resources, that will help you center yourself as you adjust to your new life. As I find or create them and have time, I’ll list these resources on the Apostasy 101 pages.

I will also compile a (partial) list of more comprehensive resources about Mormonism and faith transitions for your convenience, so you can dive deeper as doing so suits you. You can find these resources, organized by topic, at Deep Dives.

Finally, I will share some of what I’m learning in my own spiritual journey on the blog. I have rubrics for expository nonfiction and creative nonfiction books. Each rubric has 20 possible points and a 5-star rating system.

Given my background, the resources I provide will be largely mainline LDS- and Brighamite-centric, but I’ll include resources helpful to people from other denominations as I come across them.

Whatever your beliefs and wherever your journey takes you, I wish you health and happiness in a fulfilling life that doesn’t harm others.

If you’re new to a faith transition away from Mormonism, start with my First Things page.